


And I'll Burn the Church Down

by darrinya



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Kisses, M/M, SIRIUS SET A FIRE AND HE BURNED THE CHURCH DOWN, Wedding, flames, jk no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28056912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darrinya/pseuds/darrinya
Summary: It's Sirius and Remus's wedding day, and it's about to go down in flames. Literally."I'M BURNING; I'M BURNING!" Sirius screams, rolling around on the floor as Remus chases after him, shouting random spells.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	And I'll Burn the Church Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trappedbyvellichor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/trappedbyvellichor/gifts).



> HAPPY SECRET HOUSE ELF, MY FRIEND! I hope this bit of crack will brighten your day. 
> 
> Thanks to cactus-extraordinaire.tumblr.com for the beta work!

Today was going to be the happiest day of Sirius's life.

It would have been, if he weren't wearing this ugly ass suit that his lovable but admittedly tasteless best man, James, had chosen. True, Sirius would have chosen his own suit, but he was too busy stress-eating and crying on Lily's shoulder in preparation for the big day.

Manly tears, though. Sirius isn't ashamed to cry. It just shows off his manliness even more.

But anyway, Sirius is stomping down the aisle in the lamest brown suit ever. Remus is clearly trying to hold back laughter while their guests stared blankly at Sirius.

Remus will probably make fun of Sirius later. No matter. Sirius will be the last one laughing when the chocolate mysteriously disappears.

All of a sudden, Sirius bursts into flames.

The guests scream, falling out of their chairs. Sirius stops, drops, and rolls, but alas! The flames do not go out. Remus races over and tries to magic the fire away, but the flames have a mind of their own.

"I'M BURNING; I'M BURNING!" Sirius screams, rolling around on the floor as Remus chases after him, shouting random spells. The guests are fleeing for their lives.

Sirius suddenly realizes that he is in fact _not_ burning. He swats the flames but feels no heat. Huh.

"I'm a god," Sirius whispers with awe. "Flames cannot touch me. I AM IMMORTAL!"

Remus looks at Sirius, clearly silently asking, _Why are you like this?_ Sucker. Remus was the one who proposed. He willingly chose this life! The fool. The absolutely gorgeous, hyperintelligent, super amazing, incredibly hot FOOL.

Then, Sirius's suit disintegrates.

Sirius squawks with indignation. Not because he's naked, mind--he's now wearing a fluffy wedding dress with a bunch of embroidered lions chasing each other across the lace.

"JAMES POTTER, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Sirius bellows.

Mere seconds ago, Sirius was a god. Now he is a sad, sad man in a wedding dress. Sirius just wishes that James had chosen a _classy_ wedding dress. Sirius would have preferred cleaner lines and less ruffles, but to each their own.

The dress bursts into flames as well. Sirius sighs and lies back, waiting for death.

James and Lily are practically collapsing on top of each other with laughter. Those stupid, high-pitched giggles of James could go to Hell. 

"You sound like a horse!" Sirius yells. 

"HEY!"

"Oh, not you, Lily. Your laughter is lovely. James sounds like--"

Remus pats Sirius's hand soothingly like the cruel, patronizing, unempathetic jerk he is. Merlin, Sirius loves him.

The dress disintegrates, revealing a dark red suit with subtle, shifting fire magicked to shift in the fabric itself.

Sirius doesn't trust it.

"You look very nice," Remus says.

 _"You_ look very nice," Sirius snarls.

This is a fact. Remus _always_ looks nice.

"Ready for your vows?" Lily asks brightly, bending over Sirius, her hair tickling his face.

"I dunno, am I gonna burst into flames again?"

"Oh, don't worry, mate," James says with a friendly cuff to Sirius's shoulder. "That was the last one. We just did it to scare the guests away. We know how much you two secretly hated them."

"I don't hate them," Remus says serenely. "But the spiteful, angry part of me that detests their sycophant faces thanks you."

Remus pulls Sirius up and pecks his lips.

"Ready, love?" Remus asks.

"If I must," Sirius grumbles, following Remus up to the altar. 

Shockingly, the priest is still there.

"I've seen weirder things," the priest says cheerfully. "You shoulda seen the shenanigans when I married _those two."_

"Hey!" Lily says indignantly. "That was on Remus and Sirius! We had no idea the Malfoys' peacocks were gonna storm the church and peck Narcissa and Lucius to bits."

"It was very entertaining, though," remarks James. "Props for a good show."

"WHATEVER!" Sirius huffs. "This is our special day, not yours, you attention whores."

So the priest marries them, and Remus and Sirius roll home.

No. They literally roll into the Floo and through their house until they get to the bedroom. Then they get into . . . _different_ positions.

"I'm too smokin' for you, aren't I?" Sirius asks smugly.

"Someone has to make that sacrifice," Remus says, kissing Sirius in between every word. "Might as well be me."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! As always, leave a comment below or come chat with me on tumblr! darrinya.tumblr.com


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